Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Respectful Interactions With Other Parents
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.
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I’ve been doing things a little different for most of my life and I’m quite used to swimming in the opposite direction from most of the mainstream. Negotiating my way through a life along the road less traveled and dealing with critical input along the way, I like to think that I can tread my own path that is right for me even if it is not ‘normal’ or right for others. So when I began my journey into motherhood I was so accustomed to being labeled ‘radical’, ‘weird’ and ‘different’ – it didn’t matter much, I knew my tribe and flocked together with birds of a feather no matter how few of us there were.
During my pregnancy I was so upbeat, physically active and positive about birthing that one of my friends used to call me ‘the happiest pregnant woman he’d ever seen’! But I still got concerned emails and phone calls from family about my home birth choices, advice that I should start eating meat, stop doing yoga, plan for the most painful experience of my life etc etc… For the most part I did listen and try to respond with facts and grace, but between being a research queen and knowing myself well, I tend to do what I want regardless!
Flying high with yoga in pregnancy!
And it worked. My babies were born as beautifully and easily as I imagined they would be. Then came the advice on the myriad of other parenting choices we are doing differently.
- They said stop breastfeeding when pregnant, we did tandem nursing
- They asked ‘when is that child going to stop taking breast milk?’ We said ‘we don’t know’ and let my daughter wean herself at 3 years 5 months and my 2 year old continues breastfeeding.
- They said ‘if you teach sign-language your child will have delayed speech.’ We taught them anyway and then let our kids recite the alphabet at 18 months and sing the national anthem at 2 years old!
- They say ‘you must vaccinate’ and give us pamphlets. We say ‘thanks but we didn’t, don’t and won’t and here’s our pamphlets, books and websites if you are interested.’
- They say ‘disposable diapers are more convenient’. We say ‘it’s not a hassle, we enjoy reusing our cloth diapers and we like to contribute to a better environment for our children.’
- They ask ‘when are the kids going to school?’ We say ‘we are world-schooling life-learners would you like to hear what we’ve been doing?’ and then we share our creations and activities.
- They say ‘pull back the boy’s foreskin’. We say ‘Leave de Boy Penis Alone!!! (aka he’s intact don’t retract.)’
- They say ‘children should sleep in a crib’. We say ‘we love our family bed thanks’
- They say ‘spank when your child is disobedient’. We say ‘ how would you like it if you were hit by someone you loved anytime you didn’t meet their expectations’
Most of the above advice comes from a few close family members and most times I try to explain our choices in a reasonable way – citing a little bit of data or anecdote, sometimes we just have to say ‘that’s the way we are doing it even if you don’t understand’ and leave it at that. I’ll be honest, there have been a few arguments along the way but I accept that we are all in a process of learning better ways to communicate and coexist.
Babywearing and hiking - the naysayers would not like it!
And that’s why I try (notice I say ‘try’ because I’m not always successful at this) not to give any unsolicited advice to others. I realize there is no universal way to do everything and while I don’t choose some parenting styles I would rather focus by writing on this blog about on what I am doing and living true to my own example rather than go around chastising. I love social media because of the fact that I can share links on social networks such as Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest so people connected to me know where I’m coming from but they can take it or leave it.
Since starting this blog I’ve had questions, phone calls and emails from friends and strangers who are interested in having a home birth in Dominica, asking about weaning, healthy foods, vaccinations etc etc. I’m happy to share my opinion but I wouldn’t want anyone to do something based on my advice alone – I much prefer to share books and links and encourage people to find their own truth even if that is different from my own.
And when I need advice I usually look for it from people that are aware of and practicing a similar lifestyle. It’s not to say that my close family do not have wisdom to share but their worldview is quite different and I find it helps if I am starting off in community of people that resonate with Natural Parenting. This may keep me closed off from other advice that will be of benefit but this seems to be the most comfortable place for me right now. Thank goodness for other natural parent bloggers who in offering their experiences help me to find answers to my own questions – even those I hadn’t even asked yet! In search of particular answers I’ll ask a question in a natural parent’s forum and be grateful I live in a time and place where this is available. To boost my parenting power I’ll delve into a book by one of my favourite and respected parenting authors or listen to the fabulous Leading Edge Parenting podcast. Sometimes in the moment, I try to think what would Dayna Martin or Naoni Aldort
do? How would Larry Cohen, author of Playful Parenting
handle this one? Or I look deep within to ask ‘What does my highest loving self want or need to do in this moment?’ I’m learning to accept that I am a work in progress, learning about this journey of Mothering and life every day. I make good choices and I make mistakes and at the end of the day I can only reflect and give myself loving advice on how to do better next time.
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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)
- How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it’s from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
- Judgement is Natural – Just Don’t Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
- Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
- When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
- Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
- Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
- The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother’s groups, etc.
- Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
- Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the “Mommy-space” online.
- Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God’s Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
- How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles… — Jenny at I’m a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents’ worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
- Public Relations — Momma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
- Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
- Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
- Carnival of Natural Parenting – Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
- Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
- Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she’s learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
- Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
- Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
- Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
- If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
- Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
- Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.
- Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others’ parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
- The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
- Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
- Speaking Up For Those Who Can’t — We’ve all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you’re stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think “Gosh, I wish I said…” This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought “Gosh, I wish I said…”
- Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
- Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
- The Thing You Don’t Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
- 3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
- Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
- Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she’d want to meet.
- Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
- Saying “I’m Right and You’re Wrong” Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause… — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
- Have another kid and you won’t care — Cassie of There’s a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
- Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
- A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
- Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
- Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
- Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
- Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
- Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
- Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
- Explain, Smile, Escape — Don’t know what to do when you’re confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
- Balancing Cultures and Choices — Dulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
- Linky – Parenting Peacefully with Social Media — Hannabert’s Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.
Leave a Reply
I think you’ve really written about a fundamental truth of being respectful – what you are doing is right for *your family* – it’s not necessarily right for someone else’s family. I agree, there are certain basic human rights that all children should be afforded, but we can only share information kindly and live our own truths. TY for sharing yours!
Good for you! It’s hard to deal with loved ones who don’t understand the choices we make in our lives. On the one hand I want to be kind and loving towards them and respect their point of view, and on the other hand I get tired of explaining my choices to those who don’t want to listen and/or think their way of thinking and doing things is the only right way. I’ve been labeled paranoid when it comes to my food choices (organic vs. conventional), and some folks think I’m crazy for homeschooling my kids. All that matters to me is that it works for us, and we’re happy.
Found your blog through the Meet & Greet Monday. Can’t wait to read more from you.
Peace.
Michelle recently posted..Five Easy Meatless Monday Meals
Yeah it can be frustrating when the same issue comes up again and again. That’s when we just have to say – ‘sorry you don’t understand, we have made up our mind and that’s that!’ All that matters is happiness but I realise I can’t make everyone happy. Thanks for visiting!
I admire you so much for doing what is right for your family despite what others may say. It’s so important to show that respect for ourselves and our children! I love reading about the incredible life that you create with your family.
Charise @ I Thought I Knew Mama recently posted..3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them
Oh a deep mutually respectful bow to you too Charise. Onelove
I love your last paragraph. Another way I try to reframe my actions and reactions is to ask “What would love look like in this situation?”
Oh, and I have the Leading Edge Parenting podcasts on my iPod to listen to when I’m lying down at night with the kids! Love it!
Patti @ Jazzy Mama recently posted..Are we even asking the right questions yet?
Thanks Patti that is another great way to look at it. Yeah Leading Edge Parenting is fab just like you!
I just love the image of you doing it your own way in the beautiful outdoors. I, too, find it necessary to spend time with my own community of like-minded people, and choose my influences carefully. Though I keep enough diversity in my life to stay challenged by opposing views. Power to you!
Kenna recently posted..Mending
Love, love, LOVE this! You and I have lots in common and I just love your attitude about it all! Thanks for sharing!
Terri you have such a beautiful spirit shining through what you do – ultimately that joy and confidence are what cause people to start asking those questions!
People know when you’ll respect them no matter what their decisions are and it opens such an amazing place that condemnation never does – it’s something you exemplify and I’m truly thankful for that.
Thank you for your beautiful words of wisdom mama!
Kelly recently posted..The Thing You Don’t Know
I may not say it often enough, but I agree with everything you say. I have much respect for your ways, and resonate with your lifestyle and how you write. You and Jennifer make me get all hyped up and feel super charged with respect and irie vibes mama. Thanks for this post. I too deal with family and strangers and friends sometimes, that question me, and I answer them like your list, to-the-point and kindly, but also sometimes the repeated wonder, makes me frustrated, and I recoil, but I stay true and we keep on moving forward and sharing in the ways we can… Also, I feel so inspired by the content of your site, and all your works, you are so amazing womban! for real. Much love to you beautiful.
Lauren recently posted..A Special GiveAway with Elemental Tree!
Wow thank-you Lauren, Deep bow of respect and love to you too.
“I make good choices and I make mistakes and at the end of the day I can only reflect and give myself loving advice on how to do better next time.” So, so true and helpful to remember! Frankly, we are all always trying to do our best, and requested or non-requested advice is just that – advice that we can take into account to make better decisions.
I likewise was smitten being pregnant – was working out, eating extra-uber healthy (including a very limited amount of meat… what can I say… meat and I… we’re on speaking terms, but certainly not BFFs), I felt great – but I constantly was given “advice” – eat red meat (ick, no thanks! fish it is!), don’t work out or do yoga because you’ll overexert something or other (oh yeah? let’s ask my doctor); now, I get “when will you be done nursing?” Whenever *WE* feel like it! “Why isn’t Niko circumcised?” Why would he be? It’s hard taking those questions into account, but truthfully, I always considered them and asked myself “Why? When?” and well, obviously my answers speak for themselves : )
Thanks for sharing!
What a lovely, gracious post on Parenting My Way, respectfully. I enjoyed everything you wrote and am eager to read more from clicking the links you recommended. Your gracious, matter-of-fact approach and responses are wonderful ways to assert yourself without being negative to anyone else. That is how I strive to be as well.
“Funny” how most of my most criticized comments come from close family/friends, too. I understand they are scared, and my worldview may threaten theirs…. well I love your responses, “thanks but no thanks.”
)) You are agreeing to not disagree, and I find this route works best for me too.
Thanks for sharing!
Carrie recently posted..Kind Matters
Thanks Carrie. I try to remember that the advice usually comes from a place of caring for us combined with fear of the unknown. I see our role in this life is to live as authentically as possible which sometimes requires others to go through an educational process they had not expected. But we all need to grow so it’s good for all of us to be out of our comfort zones at times.