Welcome to the “I’m a Natural Parent — BUT…” Carnival
This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. During this carnival our participants have focused on the many different forms and shapes Natural Parenting can take in our community.
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When my first child was born she fed on demand, slept when she wanted, was picked up when she wanted and, more often than not, was carried close to me in a baby carrier for most of the day. In short we were attachment parenting to the fullest we knew how. Those early few weeks were wildly unpredictable as we allowed our babe to gently get used to being in the world and finding her own sleeping rhythm. We ignored advice for the ‘cry to sleep’ method, sleep training or any other version of creating a sleeping pattern that was out of synch with our child’s own development. But we seemed to have gotten lucky because after just a few months my daughter naturally found what suited her and would fall asleep at 7pm and sleep most of the night – bliss! A similar pattern emerged with my son, although he has never slept right through without waking up for feeding. (But this is okay because we co-sleep and most of the time it’s not too much of a problem to roll over, fulfill his needs and get back to sleep.)
As they’ve grown we’ve had various bedtime arrangements – at one point when I was tandem nursing I would breastfeed my boy to sleep and then afterwards my girl. Then we shifted to going to bed together, with Keeyah taking her milk before her brother and then falling asleep by my side. This is pretty much how we do it now except Keeyah doesn’t breastfeed anymore. Sometimes Keeyah decides she doesn’t want to sleep at the designated bedtime and on occasions she’ll get a second wind of energy that takes her right through until 10 or 11pm and that where my problem begins.
I can totally accept the fact that she may not be tired and it’s ridiculous to force her to go to bed if that is the case. Sometimes she really is tired and needs help winding down but I get too frustrated laying in bed for an hour while she wiggles and I mentally go through my to-do list. So if she’s squirming in bed we get up. If I am doing household chores like folding clothes I get her involved or we talk while she draws or does puzzles. But mostly the evening is the time for me to work at my desk and so I encourage her to play by herself or with her Daddy and try not to get involved. As well as needing the time to work for financial reasons I also love that time all to myself and cherish these few hours of time to explore my passions and refill my cup.
I have read so many unschooling articles by parents who leave their child’s sleep pattern completely up to them throughout childhood and while I truly admire the approach, I really can’t do it. I think in theory it’s deeply respectful to let kids sleep when they want but I know I’m a much better parent with my evenings to myself. Also my partner and I rarely get times for intimacy anyway and with kiddos up at all hours we’re far too exhausted to even think of putting ‘that’ on the menu KWIM? I will never let them cry it out but quite honestly I laughed all the way through listening to the ‘Go the F**k to Sleep
’ audiobook because in some way it could have been written just for me.
So while their nap-times have pretty much fizzled out by themselves anyway I’m always keen to keep my kiddos awake and active throughout the day so they are ready for a good night’s sleep between 7-8pm. At times my son will want to sleep at about 5pm but as much as I want to honour his need to sleep, I also know that he’ll wake up a few hours later hungry or sleep right through but be up at 4am so I liven up the game, sing, dance do almost anything to keep us on track towards the finish line.
There are few things more beautiful in life than a sleeping baby.
Recently after a few continuous nights of my daughter wanting to burn the midnight oil I felt that she needed something else to help her wind down and sleep. We read a book called Sleeping Cutie about a girl who can’t sleep and her parents get her a night owl which takes her to ‘dreamland’ via a ‘nightclub’ party! Anyway off on a tangent I got the intuitive answer that we needed an audio-book or something that would help Keeyah relax and wind-down. It was then I remembered our Putumayo Dreamland CD of World Lullabies & Soothing Songs
. I used to play it when she was just a baby and we were relaxing in the evening. Now I drew on the CD for its stated purpose – to take us (well, just her actually because remember I want to stay up) to dreamland. It’s worked like a charm!!!!! It’s a beautiful collection of songs that I can listen to continually and more importantly those lullaby’s really do encourage her to relax and sleep. Everyone is happy.
So while I try to live according to natural parenting principles and am extending my comfort zone with as many whole-life (radical) unschooling approaches as possible, at this stage in our lives, a totally flexible bedtime is not one of them. I have seen in the few short years I’ve been a parent how quickly things evolve and our rhythms change so I don’t envision it will be like this forever. But for now – sleep my darlings sleep.
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How does the sleep pattern work in your house? Do you have any advice for ways I could do it differently?
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This carnival was created by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. We recognize that “natural parenting” means different things to different families, and we are dedicated to providing a safe place for all families, regardless of where they are in their parenting journeys.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
- My kid is a technophile — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction hasn’t turned in her natural parenting card yet, even though her son prefers electronic toys
- I’m a Natural Parent, but…I use medicine! — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that while she hesitates to do so, sometimes she does give her son some medicine when his symptoms get really bad.
- I’m Only Half Planning a Natural Birth — Shannon at The Artful Mama discloses how she is planning her semi-natural hospital birth and still dares to call herself a Natural Parent.
- Why we aren’t rear facing — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about her decision to turn her one-year-old daughter’s carseat around, and how the argument always given for extended rear facing makes her feel.
- Musings of an Almost Crunchy Momma — Valerie at Momma in Progress re-examines her list of natural parenting litmus tests.
- Natural Parenting Does Not Equal Perfect Parenting — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama admits to several not-so-natural parenting and lifestyle practices.
- 10 Reasons to Revoke My Natural Parent Card — Laura at WaldenMommy: Life Behind the Red Front Door discusses why some of her less-than-crunchy practices are better for her family.
- I’m a Natural Parent – BUT… MacNCheese is Awesome. — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy reveals her penchant for some far from healthy eating, cheap food recipes.
- Crunchy on the Inside — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles muses about how the stereotype of a natural parent does not do justice to the very dynamic group that this parenting philosophy attracts.
- My Reality — Megan from The Other Baby Book confesses a few things about her parenting.
- I’m Crunchy But… — Christy at Mommy Outnumbered shares confessions on all of her “non” crunchy ways.
- I’m A Natural Parent, But…it took me awhile — It took Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling awhile before fully understanding and appreciating Natural Parenting.
- I Am Not a Perfect Natural Parent — Momma Jorje shares her dirty little secrets as a mostly natural parent.
- Crunchy, But Not Crunchier Than Thou — Instead of comparing yourself to others, Dionna at Code Name: Mama encourages you to give yourself permission to be as crunchy as you can for right now.
- I’m a natural parent but…I love bedtimes — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle would never let her children cry-it-out, but she has a selection of other methods to encourage early bedtimes.
- I’m a Natural Parent – BUT… — Lani at Boobie Time Blog believes that following the principles of Natural Parenting doesn’t mean you fit a stereotypical mold of societal view.
- Confessions of a Low Supply Mom — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children confesses her insecurities about being a low supply mom.
- I’m a natural parent, but. . . — Not eating her placenta is just one of the ways Ashley at Mama Raw falls short at being a natural parent.
- I’m a Natural Parent But…I have a Few Confessions — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment strives to be a Natural Mama, but wait, she has a few confessions!
- I’m a Natural Parent BUT — Carrie at LoveNotesMama confesses her gratitude for disposable diapers.
- Intestinal Dissection — Melissa from White Noise talks about how imperfection can be beautiful when it is buffered with love.
- How much sugar is too much? — Tat at Mum in Search shares how her no-sugar policy evolved into a balancing act, with the balance point not where she’d like to see it.
- I’m a Natural Parent, but. . . — Amyables at Toddler In Tow talks about three of her parenting habits that are not super “natural.”
- Minus Ten Crunchy Points — Joella at Fine and Fair discusses how some of her parenting choices seen as “too crunchy” by those she knows in real life could get her kicked out of the crunchy mom clubs online.
- The Natural Parent “Model” — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about her love for not-so-natural cosmetics and beauty products.
- Nice to meet you. — Eileen at Love & Greens talks about how being a natural mama means something different to her every day.
- natural parent blog carnival — Ashley at Daisy Pedals touches on several natural parenting topics; from cloth diapers to cleaning with natural cleaners.
- I’m a natural parent, but you’d be surprised — Lauren at Hobo Mama confesses to liking diet soda and TV and having lost all her reusable shopping bags.
- I’m a Natural Parent, but…. I don’t shop local — Luschka at Diary of a First Child confesses one of her greatest ‘natural’ failures – she doesn’t shop local and support her community, despite wishing she could.
- Who You Callin’ Natural? (a Carnival of Natural Parenting Contribution) — A bit of premise exposition, some tongue-in-cheek filler, and a photographic list of all the ways Embrita Blogging cheats at being natural.
- Dirty Secrets of a Green & Natural Mama (and Why I’m Not Afraid to Share Them!) — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares her definition of what it means to be a perfect mama as well as a few of her dirty little secrets.
- Green Mommy Guilt — Jen at Jen and Joey Green talks about how being a perfect Green Mom is overrated.
- Life Coping Devices — Amy at Anktangle discusses two (“non-AP”) coping strategies her family has used for getting through difficult times with her son: the pacifier and the stroller.
- We use disposable diapers. There. I said it. — The mama at Our Muddy Boots shares a bed, nurses her 4 year old, is vegetarian, and is committed to homeschooling; but Pampers adorn her child’s bottom. Ugh!
- Committed to Cloth, but… — Sheila at A Living Family affirms her love of cloth diapering, despite the draw of disposables.
- Natural Parenting as a Doorway to Deep Truths — Amy from Peace for Parents guest posts at Natural Parents Network and shares how for her “natural parenting” is much less about a definition and much more an avenue to explore truths of life.
- Chicken No-nos — Jessica at Pace Family Place strives to live naturally but feeds her oldest son some not-so natural things
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I’m so glad to read about another natural parent who felt that “Go the F**k to Sleep” was really speaking to them! I was blessed with a really good, regular sleeper, but that has spoiled me: on the rare occasion that he gets a late night second wind, I have a hard time dealing with the loss of my “me” time. I can relate…I just wish I had a solution.
Jenn @ Monkey Butt Junction recently posted..I’m a Natural Parent But…My Kid is a Technophile
I also loved that. My husband even downloaded the video version.
Shannon recently posted..Why we aren’t rear facing
I wish I could give you a ‘miracle recipe’ but helas… we’re just in the same boat!
For more than one year after my daughter’s birth, I did the same thing as you did with Keeyah : I would let her sleep just whenever/wherever she wanted. Following an old family tradition, my only rule was : ‘never wake up a sleeping child’, with no exceptions. Sometimes she would stay up VERY late though and I would be absolutely exhausted. So I would hand her to her Daddy, and he would (almost always successfully) rock her to sleep on his lap, playing music and drumming on her butt! I know it sounds weird, but it worked really well!
After she turned one, I felt like it was time, for everyone’s sanity, to start following a sleeping schedule. Currently (she’s 20 months old), I nurse her to sleep which usually takes between 30-60 minutes, sometimes less, sometimes more. It can be really frustrating sometimes to wait that long, but at least I end up with a sleeping baby by 8pm with a success rate around 80%. When this doesn’t work, I either hand her to Daddy who calms her down with music, or give her an extra hour to play while I’m reading, and restart the whole sleeping protocol an hour later.
What helps the most, I noticed, is to strictly follow a bedtime routine : brush teeth, bath, pyjamas, hugs and kisses to Daddy, story time (only when I feel like she’s not quite ready to sleep), turn off lights, and ‘tété’ (nursing). Following this routine really makes a difference, and it’s become almost impossible to get her to sleep without it. I found that bathing before sleeping helps her to relax a lot.
But as you said, nothing works all the time and as our children grow, adjustments are necessary.
Putting one baby to sleep while respecting his needs/will is very challenging. Putting 2 young kids to sleep at the same time… wow, I can only imagine how tricky this is.
The CD thing gave me some ideas, thank you for sharing that. In my brother’s house (5 kids), there is a CD-player in every room and each kid gets to choose a CD (music or audio book) to help him/her sleep every night. Seems to be working pretty well.
Sleep has been challenging for me. Kieran has always nursed to sleep – up until I was pregnant and my milk dried up. Anyway, when he was much younger, it would take forever to get him down, even though he was tired. Some of my least shining parenting moments came at night. But I’m with you – I need some quiet time at night alone, and I need a predictable sleep schedule.
‘Some of my least shining parenting moments came at night.’ Ditto Dionna!
Yes, bedtime is probably my favorite time of day!
Ashley @ Mama Raw recently posted..I’m a natural parent, but. . .
I love that you found something to help your daughter get to sleep at night. I really had no idea that child-led bedtimes were an unschooling practice – I just gave up and let him do what he needed. My husband doesn’t get home until 1am so I really didn’t mind letting Little Man find his own rhythm. Now that I am pregnant and teaching – I’ve had less patience at night and search for those little tricks to get him and myself into bed at a reasonable hour. We just got a series of nursery rhymes on audiobook so I might give that a go. Thank you for sharing.
Shannon at The Artful Mama recently posted..I’m Only Half Planning a Natural Birth
Maintaining consistent nap and bedtime routines while remaining flexible about trying new things to ease Daniel to sleep has really helped our family to get more sleep. I agree that it would be ideal to allow our children to totally dictate their own sleeping times, but the reality of many of our lives is that we don’t have the freedom in our schedules to go with the flow and “sleep when they sleep.” It sounds like you’re making a lovely, gentle decision for your family.
Amy @ Anktangle recently posted..Life Coping Devices
I completely agree. I love bedtime! I think that part of the reason I can be so in focused on being a parent during the day is because I know that come 7/8pm he will be in bed and I am free to do what I have to at that point. I was important to me to have a good sleep schedule. Great post
Lani @ Boobie Time Blog recently posted..I’m a Natural Parent – BUT…
I agree. Bedtime is the only ME time, and I have learned this the hard way. Having a scheduled bedtime for my boys works out best for us.
Jessica Pace recently posted..Chicken No-nos
We can all use a break from time to time. I love that initial quiet after everyone has fallen asleep. Mama’s break time.
Mandy @ Living Peacefully with Children recently posted..Confessions of a Low Supply Mom
I will admit with you that I also laughed through “Go the F to Sleep”
We never CIO, co-sleep as wanted/needed, and are super duper responsive to Baby all throughout the night, but it certainly doesn’t mean I can’t relate to that in the back of my mind! <3
Charise @ I Thought I Knew Mama recently posted..Dirty Secrets of a Green & Natural Mama (and Why I’m Not Afraid to Share Them!)
Yes! To all of it! I LOVE bedtime too, and I, like you, am a better mama when I can have “me” time in the evenings. Plus, my kiddo are happier when they are well-rested
I have heard so much about that book, but haven’t read it yet, I must soon! Thanks for sharing this!
Kat, listen to the audiobook and see the book here http://youtu.be/JCtBlcgpD_c
Love your post, Terri! I, too, love bedtime and look forward to it after a busy day with my littles! We can love them and kiss them goodnight and feel good about both!
-Kerry @ City Kids Homeschooling
Kerry @ City Kids Homeschooling recently posted..I’m a natural parent, but…it took me awhile
We have the same approach to honoring sleeping rhythms, following our son’s cues to an extent but ensuring that we provide the right setting to allow for him to relax enough to sleep at a decent time to allow for us to renew our own stores. I think that this is a natural and compassionate approach to developing healthy sleeping habits. My son’s winding down routine right now at 20 months involves a bath, rubbing on coconut oil and baby powder, cuddling bed and nursing to sleep. It has evolved into this over time and I know it will change again as he ages and want to be read to, or listen to music, or the like. We’ll take it one day at a time and adapt accordingly!
Wolfmother recently posted..Crunchy on the Inside
Yes, this totally resonates with me. I am seemingly at a very similar place to you with regards to the intersection of natural parenting (which is… well… totally natural to me) and radical unschooling (which I am drawn to and slowly learning about but still feels like a shift to me) and my DD mostly choses her bedtime-ish but I do not like lack of naps (as I have found that leads to patch sleep at night – with many wake ups) so it is more like a dance for two, where the needs of the whole family are taken into consideration (not just the child’s – though hers are definitely honoured, too).
Thanks for this honest and thought provoking post
LovingEarthMama recently posted..Our week in photos: week 8 of Project 366
Yes the radical unschooling is shifting my perspective all the time. I’m dancing to find my our own rhythm and choices on everything which is sometimes challenging when almost every aspect of the the rest of society is saying something different.
My 19-month old son has always dictated his own sleep schedule and it worked like a charm for us – until now. He used to take a long nap around noon, and then fall asleep for the night around 8. A few weeks ago, he decided that naps are half as long and his new bedtime is 10, sometimes even 11. Blurgh.
It’s tough, because like you, I treasure (read: crave all the live-long day) that quiet evening time. Not having it is a huge bummer. If you ever come up with a brilliant solution, I’d love to hear it!
Very thoughtful post. I am digging hearing everyone’s inner voice as they navigate these issues.
The rhythms change so often! Right now the groove we’ve gotten into is okay – busy days, no naps, 1 hour wind-down time with supper, chamomile tea, bath, massage with essential oils, story, sleep with Mummy cuddles and Putamayo lullabies. If I add any more to the list I’ll keep you updated!
I’m Sooooooooo all over this post!! I love my kids and the second they are all sleeping i miss them, BUT I live for the quiet nights. Oh, such sweet peaceful beautiful nights. =) LOVE THEM. I can totally relate to working hard to get the sleepy baby to stay awake long enough to make it to bedtime, FOR ME. I’m an introvert. There’s no getting around it. I absolutely cannot parent without SOME time to myself in a day (I need it more than I need sleep).
The thing I am currently dreading is when they are teenagers and I can’t just ‘put them to bed’ anymore. WHEN WILL I HAVE SILENCE? WHEN WILL I HAVE SOLITUDE? Oh fear, oh dread….
=P
Melissa Vose recently posted..Intestinal Dissection
Hey Melissa, I don’t think you need to worry too much with the teenage issue – they’ll probably be so into their own thing they will leave you alone in peace in the evenings (or let’s hope so!)
I think you’re doing great! We went through both of these stages and regret nothing. As our son gave up naps so needed more sleep at night, we had to get stricter, and then when he started going to a school where he has to arrive by 8:00, we really got serious! Here is our sleep story so far.
‘Becca recently posted..Holy Recycling!