Welcome to the May 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With or Without Extended Family
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how relatives help or hinder their parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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The night I submit this post will be the eve before my Mum is due to arrive to visit us for a 3 week vacation. I’m so excited I may not sleep. When this post is live she will have been with us about a week and the fun will be in full swing! It’s been 1 year 8 months since we last saw her…Keeyah had just turned 2 and now she approaches 4 whilst Amarii had yet to celebrate his first birthday and take his first steps but is now a rollicking and adventurous 2 ½ year old. Of course we have utilized Skype to its fullest and the children adore their ‘faraway Grandma’ but I often lament the distance between us and the moments we have missed experiencing together. The time we spend now will be bittersweet because although we are going to have an amazing time I know it’s for a limited period only and it will make me question even more the decision to live 4000 miles away from my Mum, who is also one of my best friends.
Keeyah being worn and asleep on my Mum’s back when we visited the UK in 2010
I made the choice to move to Dominica from the UK I was young, free and single and ready for a new life in the sunshine. Not that I completely chose the country at random – my Dad’s parents are from the island and after raising their children in England they moved here in 1996. We were very close and I visited them as soon as my studies had finished in 1999. I immediately fell in love with the Nature Island and vowed to live here. When I did finally move in 2004 I had the security of family if nothing else.
Fast forward to 2008 when I became pregnant with my daughter Keeyah, it was time for me to move in with my partner and away from the family nest again. We chose a village about 1 hour drive away from my Grandparents and other close family members but given the dynamics of travel in Dominica that sometimes feels like 5 hours! So on arrival of Keeyah, I entered the realm of the isolated nuclear family which I knew was a ridiculous set-up from the outset and it sucks even more now we have 2 children. For the most part I’m home alone 5 days a week with the children trying to be as attentive to their needs as possible in between the demands of continual meal-making, laundry and all other household tasks associated with the grand stay-at-home-Mama job title. I’d love more family around to play with the children, share a meal with or just to talk with.
That’s not to say our family has not given us the utmost of support. My Grandparents are phenomenal fountains of love and visit us weekly. The children and I have often taken a change of scene to spend 3-4 weeks at their home. We are close enough to talk almost every day and they were the first people I trusted to watch the children while I have made brief ventures out to meetings and work. I have absolutely no idea where I would be without their help. The many ‘alternative’ parenting choices we have made have not gone without raised eyebrows, skeptical remarks and sometimes outright criticism but they are a tower of strength that I need always to be grateful for.
My children with their Great-Grandparents in a tree!
Likewise with ‘Organic-Dads’ mother who retired last year and has since been a rock of support; growing closer to the children and now taking care of them for one day a week while I use that time for appointments and business in town. Again I can’t even express my gratitude for such time although so many of our choices are questioned and not understood that it is not without challenges. But that’s families hey!
My extended family parenting ‘village’ also includes an amazing neighbor who is always there to help us in times of need and a dear friend who shares a very special bond with our children that she is their honorary Aunt. Our other friends who we see on occasions are also a wonderful network. I feel so blessed for these individuals and yet still I wish there were greater nets of support in this journey of parenting which can feel isolating and challenging whilst at the same time encompassing such moments of pure joy and bliss that I’d love to share with others.
I know that if I lived closer to my Mum I would have the regular company of someone who is both like-minded in many ways and also completely accepting of our differences. I’d also be with my Sister and closer to the family I grew up with even though they are in various parts of the UK. But while we would probably have far greater family support, which would be amazing, I’d miss the sunshine and Caribbean life. And so we stay in the Nature Island and work towards creating an intentional community in order to raise our children and walk through the journey parenting with a village to raise us all.
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
- Dealing With Unsupportive Grandparents — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, The Pistachio Project tells what to do when your child’s grandparents are less than thrilled about your parenting choices.
- Parenting With Extended Family — Jenny at I’m a full-time mummy shares the pros and cons of parenting with extended family…
- Parental Support for an AP Mama — Meegs at A New Day talks about the invaluable support of her parents in her journey to be an AP mama.
- Priceless Grandparents — That Mama Gretchen reflects on her relationship with her priceless Grammy while sharing ways to help children preserve memories of their own special grandparents.
- Routines Are Meant To Be Broken — Olga at Around The Birthing Ball urges us to see Extended Family as a crucial and necessary link between what children are used to at home and the world at large.
- It Helps To Have A Village – Even A Small One — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses how she has flourished as a mother due to the support of her parents.
- The Orange Week — Erika at Cinco de Mommy lets go of some rules when her family finally visits extended family in San Diego.
- One Size Doesn’t Fit All — Kellie at Our Mindful Life realizes that when it comes to family, some like it bigger and some like it smaller.
- It Takes a Family — Alicia at What’s Next can’t imagine raising a child without the help of her family.
- A new foray into family — As someone who never experienced close extended family, Lauren at Hobo Mama wrestles with how to raise her kids — and herself — to restart that type of community.
- My Mama Rocks! — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment is one lucky Mama to have the support and presence of her own awesome Mama.
- Embracing Our Extended Family — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares 7 ideas for nurturing relationships with extended family members.
- Doing Things Differently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares how parenting her children far away from extended family improved her confidence in her choices.
- Snapshots of love — Caroline at stoneageparent describes the joys of sharing her young son’s life with her own parents.
- Parenting with Relies – A mixed bag — Ursula Ciller shares some of her viewpoints on the pros and cons of parenting with relatives and extended family.
- Tante and Uncles — How a great adult sibling relationship begets a great relationship with aunt and uncles from Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy.
- Tips for Traveling With Twins — Megan at the Boho Mama shares some tips for traveling with infant twins (or two or more babies!).
- Parenting passed through the generations — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about the incredible parenting resource that is her found family, and how she hopes to continue the trend.
- My Family and My Kids — Jorje of Momma Jorje ponders whether she distrusts her family or if she is simply a control freak.
- Parenting with a Hero — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet reminisces about the relationship she shared with her younger brother, and how he now shares that closeness in a relationship with her son.
- Text/ended Family — Kenna of A Million Tiny Things wishes her family was around for the Easter egg hunt… until she remembers what it’s actually like having her family around.
- Two Kinds of Families — Adrienne at Mommying My Way writes about how her extended family is just as valuable to her mommying as her church family.
- My ‘high-needs’ child and ‘strangers’ — With a ‘high-needs’ daughter, aNonyMous at Radical Ramblings has had to manage without the help of family or friends, adapting to her daughter’s extreme shyness and allowing her to socialise on her own terms.
- Our Summer Tribe — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger shares a love of her family’s summer reunion, her secret to getting the wisdom of the “village” even as she lives 1,000 miles away.
- My Life Boat {Well, One of Them} — What good is a life boat if you don’t get it? Grandparents are a life boat MomeeeZen loves!
- Dear Children — In an open letter to her children, Laura at Pug in the Kitchen promises to support them as needed in her early days of parenting.
- Yearning for Tribal Times — Ever had one of those days where everything seems to keep going wrong? Amy at Anktangle recounts one such day and how it inspired her to think about what life must’ve been like when we lived together in large family units.
- I don’t have a village — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wishes she had family nearby but appreciates their support and respect.
- Trouble With MILs– Ourselves? — Jaye Anne at Wide Awake Half Asleep explains how her arguments with her mother-in-law may have something to do with herself.
- A Family Apart — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings writes about the challenges, and the benefits, of building a family apart from relatives.
- First Do No Harm — Zoie at TouchstoneZ asks: How do you write about making different parenting choices than your own family experience without criticizing your parents?
- Military Family Separation — Amy Willa shares her feelings about being separated from extended family during her military family journey.
- Forging A Village In The Absence Of One — Luschka from Diary of a First Child writes about the importance of creating a support network, a village, when family isn’t an option.
- Respecting My Sister’s Parenting Decisions — Dionna at Code Name: Mama‘s sister is guest posting on the many roles she has as an aunt. The most important? She is the named guardian, and she takes that role seriously.
- Multi-Generational Living: An Exercise in Love, Patience, and Co-Parenting — Boomerang Mama at The Other Baby Book shares her experience of moving back in with Mom and Dad for 7 months, and the unexpected connection that followed.
- A Heartfelt Letter to Family: Yes, We’re Weird, but Please Respect Us Anyway — Sheila of A Living Family sincerely expresses ways she would appreciate her extended family’s support for her and her children, despite their “weird” parenting choices.
- The nuclear family is insane! — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle is grateful for family support, wishes her Mum lived closer, and feels an intentional community would be the ideal way to raise her children.
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Wow! That was so cool of your mum to be carrying your girl like that! Your kids are so lucky!
Jenny @ I’m a full-time mummy recently posted..Parenting With Extended Family…
I admire the beautiful balance you have found between appreciating and working with the support network you have, and working toward the more intentional ‘village’ that you crave. It’s great to hear a bit more about your personal history, too – I had wondered how long you’d been in Dominica and what it was that took you there.
I hope you’re enjoying the time with your mom!
Melissa recently posted..A Family Apart
Similar situation here: My in-laws are across the country, a 5+ hour flight. Definitely closer then your mom, but still far enough! My parents though, are only about an hour away.
The one difference is that my parents are the crunchy ones and my ILs are the ones that raise their eyebrows a bit. So in that regards its great to have the parents with the similar parenting styles so close.
Anyway, great post. Hope you are enjoying your time with your mom!
Meegs recently posted..Parental Support for an AP Mama
I LOVE pictures of grandparents babywearing – priceless!
Gretchen recently posted..Priceless Grandparents
Yes I am already feeling your pain.my husband its from Dominica and we plan to move down there in the next few years. I have a 4 month old and my father has been a great support especially since he is nearby. My mother is 2 hours away.and she helps out when she can, or when 21TR3DRTI’m visiting her area. All of my brothers live away.in different parts of the country. One has a child, and the other has one on the way. And its sad my parents will not be an everyday part of the children’s lives. My son is the first they’ve been able to be hands on with, and I’m afraid of them no longer having access to their 1st grandson…but on the flip side, my Dominican in laws have yet to be a part of his life….
I LOVE Dominica like it is my own country, and so look forward to living there. But at the same time I am sad because my parents will be so far away and the way my father works he only has weekends to spare in his self employed business.he may never be able to visit until he stops work for good. And I do not know how often my mother could come, our if she could take all the layovers… ::sigh:: Dominica is so beautiful, I wish I could transplant my entire family there…
Ok my rant is over.thanks for your blog
Ps… My father is white and mother black…
Thanks for sharing this post, it is wonderful you receive family support even at such a distance; I love the photo of your mum carrying your little one on her back.
I don’t think I could leave your island either
We are also intentionally creating community – the nice thing about that is – you get to choose 
No wonder you love living there – it’s so beautiful. I’m glad you’ve made the best of your situation and have a family to help out. It’s great your Mum can come over for a visit too – I’m sure that will be super exciting! Seeing that photo of your mum babywearing just reminded me of how my little one slept best on a warm body when she was tiny
Ursula Ciller recently posted..Parenting with Relies – A mixed bag